What do I do that shows you I love you?

Have you ever experienced a point in your marriage where you get into an apocalyptic battle a civil discussion with your spouse about how you are being treated like a slave are not feeling appreciated?

How did that work for you? Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings and without any real resolution?

Some time ago my hubbie and I learned a better way to handle these situations, and it usually results in an amicable and interesting discussion, along with a deeper understanding of ourselves and an improvement in our relationship.

I offer it to you, dear readers, to use as well. It is a very simple question, and it is phrased like this: “What do I do that shows you I love you?”

This can be asked in a quiet moment, prefaced by something like “I’m curious. I’ve been thinking about the things that I do or could do that show you I love you, and I wonder if you could share with me something I do that shows you I love you.

Be prepared, ladies. Ask this question with no preconceptions about how your man will answer. He is probably not going to say that he feels extra, extra special when you nag him endlessly to take out the trash, and he may not answer with the ONE THING that you are sure makes his heart sing. This is NOT your cue to pounce on him like a tiger on wounded prey because he didn’t mention the hours you slave over his lunches/laundry/etc. The whole purpose of this is to get HIS point of view, what it is that really makes him feel respected and loved. (I mention respect, because with men that is usually inextricably tied to how deeply they feel loved. If there is a lack of respect, oftentimes it means they do not feel as important to you or as loved by you.)

He may need some time to think about this, especially if he feels that you really aren’t looking for his answer, if he believes he just needs to figure out the “right” answer. If he has felt ambushed in the past, he will be a very hesitant participant. After all, he has learned there is a very fine line between his beloved being happy as opposed to being a harpy.

Take the opportunity to share with him as well. Let him know something he does that shows you he loves you.  Remember ladies: it is what we pay attention to in our relationships that grows. Focus on the positive aspects of the incredibly special man that your husband is, and you will be delighted by the results.

Gifts from the heart: Memory album

Graphic design by daughter Alexis

Today is March 31. We are officially well into spring, and yet are on a winter storm warning, looking at the very real  possibility of 6-10” of heavy wet snow by tomorrow night.

**Sigh.**

Rather than retreating to the attic to gaze wistfully at my warmer weather clothes, I will take this time to look ahead to Christmas.

Just kidding. Sort of.

Today, we will start with events such as birthdays, then in later posts we will tackle Christmas. I love creating gifts that are rich in meaning and easy on the pocketbook, especially as opposed to rushing through the malls maxing out credit cards. Speaking of which, for those of you still reeling from overspending in December, please stay with me for this series. You can prepare gifts that you will love to give that will go a long way towards a much more thoughtful and much less expensive holiday.

There are gifts you can do yourself, that seemingly require very little of yourself and practically no actual financial cost, such as writing a letter straight from your heart. You can read here about the letter my husband wrote many years ago to his dad as a Father’s Day gift. This deceptively simple idea of the power of the written word packs a huge punch, as you will read when you follow that link.

At the other end of the spectrum there are gifts that require more time and effort, and also the talents and cooperation of other family members. I think sometimes when my six siblings receive my emails that suggest some form of cooperative gift giving project, they-oops!-delete my email by mistake, or they go into radio silence mode in the hopes that I will glide by and forget I asked them to join me.

As they well know, no such luck.

The gift idea today is one that requires the participation of others. It is the Memory Album, and cost is truly minimal for the wealth of entertainment, sentimentality and laughter and love that it provides. This treasure is made up of single pages, crafted in some fashion by individuals in your circle, and then put together for safe-keeping into a binder, creating unique glimpses of a life’s story.

Ingredients: One three ring binder, clear sheet protectors, paper
These can be straight out of your local department store, or you can purchase archival supplies online. I used Archival Methods and have been thrilled with the quality. They cost more than regular materials, but this album was worth the additional expense, as I wanted to make sure this gift would stand the test of time.

Preparation: Determine the focus of your album and the time frame you will need to complete it. The focus can be on the celebration of a birthday, graduation, anniversary, or the reminiscence about growing up in the family home, an especially appropriate and welcome remembrance when a couple is moving after decades of living in the same place.

Take a blank page, and write a prompt for folks. For instance, for my dear hubbie’s fiftieth birthday, I chose a font I like and printed across the top of a page the phrase, “Keith, you’re 50?!! I remember….”. I then ran this master through the copier so that all the pages were identical (saved wear and tear on my hand, and was much neater than my own handwriting!). This prompt, pre-printed on the chosen paper would determine the theme for the book, and would unite the pages with this singular purpose.
Allow enough time to get the blanks out to people, have them work their magic, and then get them back.

Gaining the cooperation of family and friends: Since I was also holding a surprise party for Keith, I had emailed everyone to let them know to “save the date”. I also explained that they weren’t to buy any gifts, but instead would be receiving a page and a prompt in the mail that they could fill out any way they wanted.

The implementation: I wrote a simple cover letter, reiterating the idea behind the album, and gave examples of how the pages could be filled out. I suggested that they could just stick photos on and write captions. They could write a short piece about a funny event or a poignant moment in their relationship. They could attach old letters or notes or scrapbooking materials to dress up a page. I told them to do whatever they wanted to do for Keith. Some folks just did the one page, others asked for additional paper to do more.

Here are a couple of samples that were turned in by the moms, who did multiple pages:

 A note on the above page by my mom: Let's just say that my track record up to that point for dating was...ummmm...just not really good. Think lots of frogs. Hence the comments from the first time she met him, "Has she got her head in the sand?" and "She's really sticking her neck out this time!".

The gift: We surprised Keith with his party-well, he said we did, the sweetie!-and had a great time together, as always, and gave dear hubbie his album. He was moved to tears, and we all enjoyed reading the fruits of our labor, which ranged from serious and moving to very, very funny.

Priceless. Absolutely priceless.

Will you share a thoughtful gift idea you have used for a loved one?

Yet another reason I love my hubbie

This morning over breakfast we were chatting, and the talk turned to the large gathering we are hosting this evening for my mom’s birthday. The conversation went something like this:

Hubbie-Who are you texting? (Did I mention that I stopped mid-breakfast and mid-discussion to send a message to our oldest daughter? I have reached the point where I must take some kind of action on ideas and thoughts as they occur, at the risk of not recollecting them until it is too late, or not at all. And no, generally I don't indulge in such bad manners. I was guilty of that here, and for that, I apologize.)

Me: Alexis. I asked her to bring her external camera flash tonight. I want to hang our two flashes from the living room beams to see if I can get better light for our photos, since we are having jam night, and will have lots of family and friends here.

Hubbie: Oh. (A short pause here, then he turns on his very sweet smile) Honey, you know that all you have to do is walk into a room, and you light it up.

Awwwww.

Just yet another reason he’s a keeper.

'Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost...

A long, long time ago, when our girls were in their early elementary years, we adopted a beautiful three-year old Yellow Labrador dog named Sam, who had been abandoned on a busy street in town by his owner. Not only had he been unceremoniously dumped, but the shelter had been unable to find him a home, so he was slated for euthanasia. My incredibly big-hearted sister who volunteered with the shelter took him home rather than let him be destroyed, and contacted us about him. We took an immediate liking to Sam, and brought him home that day. He was an amazing and handsome dog, so loving and protective, and so forgiving of anything, especially little toddler nieces and nephews who inadvertently sat on him.

About a year later, we decided he needed a buddy. My sister told us about a beautiful Golden Retriever who was on a revolving door cycle at the shelter. The owner would run try to teach Jake, quite unsuccessfully I might add, to become a hunting dog, by using/abusing a shock collar. The man would completely lose patience and dump Jake at the shelter, and then when some time had passed and a cooler head prevailed, he would return for his dog. Well, the next time Jake was dropped, we received a call, and that day, he became a member of our family, and Sam’s best bud ever.

That was so long ago, and the years include so many happy memories, like the hike shown in the photo above. Our loyal dogs were with us to watch over our family, and especially the girls, as they grew into adulthood and left home. Almost two years ago, however, the tables turned, and it was our turn to watch over Sam, as his health had deteriorated, and his quality of life had reached a tipping point. Although it was difficult to say goodbye to him, we had been mentally preparing for the day for a long time. We were especially concerned about whether Jake would survive Sammydog’s loss. There was a short period when we didn’t think he would, and although he was never quite the same, Jake did settle into a comfortable and happy routine of his own.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. We had plans for the weekend, as most folks do, but they changed in a heartbeat on Saturday morning, when I awoke to find Jake having a seizure and a stroke. He went from being a friendly, goofy senior pet who would sometimes still race through the house for his beloved tennis ball to a partially paralyzed, confused and frightened dog who could barely wag his tail. The following twenty-four hours were filled with both hope and sorrow, as our gallant Retriever would slowly regain his some of his functions, and then he would slip backwards again. Yesterday morning, Jake was still unable and uninterested in drinking water, and his basic abilities were again diminished, so we tearfully made the difficult decision to call the vet. Our Jakey-Jake loved us unconditionally to the end, and we loved him as well. I am so grateful, not only to our vet who is always so thoughtful and tender with us and our four legged family members, but also for our girls, who happened to be visiting this weekend so we could be together to say goodbye to Jake, to celebrate the joy he brought us, and to support each other in our grief.

I share this glimpse into our private lives as a reminder that life can change abruptly, so you must take the time you have every day to let love into your life, and to let those around you know how much they mean to you. A heart that is closed tight certainly avoids the pain of loss, but I believe the greater loss is to have never shared your love at all. Take a moment today to let someone in your world know how much you love them.