A reminder for Friday-I've moved!

OK-just one more reminder that I have moved. Please bookmark me at my new home here, and share in my stories there.
Remember to re-subscribe when you get there as well. Thanks for stopping by!

We've moved!

Hello, dear readers. It was time for a updated look and a fresh perspective!

I have moved to the new home of Too Darn Happy, which you can find here. Please take note of my new location, as I won't be updating here anymore.

When you get there, please bookmark, and re-subscribe either by RSS feed or by email. Thanks so much, and look forward to seeing you soon!

PS-If you have any trouble with the link, I can be found at www.toodarnhappy.com

It's Monday-Aaaaaah! Where's my margin?

Monday morning.

The race is on again for a new week, and you and your mind are running at top speed, full out, and it's not even 9:00am yet.

Hubbie. House. Job. Laundry. Clean clothes. Ironed clothes.  Lunches.

Kids. Backpacks. Missing homework. Missing sports equipment.

Get in the car. Let's GO. We're going to be LATE.

Missing me.

Missing time.

Missing breathing room.

STOP.

Slow down for just a moment and take a deep breath.

Just. Stop. Being the "good mom", the "perfect mom" the "can do it all mom", the "I must or my husband won't be considered for his promotion mom",  or the "I must or my kids will miss out and be left behind/not get into the right college mom".

Whew.

What is the solution?

You need to build margin into your life.

I learned this term recently from Andy Stanley, through his  study "Take it to the limit-How to get the most out of life".

The description of the study notes,

Overloaded? Maxed out? Our culture encourages us to live as if we have no limits. So we fill up our schedules and empty our bank accounts. We do as much as we can, spend as much as we can, and acquire as much as we can - all in an effort to get as much as we can out of life.

Might I say "whew" again!

Having margin means that you walk yourself permanently back from the precipice so that when there are emergencies, you will not be shoved hard and fast over the edge.

So. What does having margin in your life look like, and how do you get there?

Some suggestions to consider:
Get up just five or ten minutes earlier, so there is no mad last minute rush to get out the door.

Do some meal preparation/grocery shopping over the weekend and/or the night before so that lunches and dinners are not held regularly at the exclusive drive-through of Chez McD's.

Teach the kids to prepare their clothes/school needs the night before, allowing for a more relaxed morning. (And moms -yes, your children can and need to be taught how to use a washer and dryer. It is not capital punishment. What is cruel is being almost of legal age, and not recognizing what a washer is, let alone how to use it. See here for a how-to for every age.)

Take the time to do one little something the night before, like fill the car with gas or put your keys with your purse to save time and sanity in the morning.

Put a whiteboard on the fridge with weekly events/times/places you need to be at and things everyone needs to have ready for each day. Make it a habit to check it daily for the next day or two to avoid surprises-"Mom! I told you I needed _____ for the school event. Mom!!-said in a plaintive, wailing, accusing voice.

These are just a few ideas to get you rolling. Take a look at the areas that cause you frustration, and think about how you could change something that would help you avoid or eliminate that item and create some breathing room-margin-in your life.

Remember to point out the benefits to your family, and how the change will bring something better than what you have now.

Be patient. This can take a little time, depending on how each member handles change.

I strongly encourage you to build margin into your life starting today. Won't it be nice to breathe a little easier tomorrow?

Share with us your ideas for creating margin in all areas of your life.

PS-I had to create margin this morning, and had to let go of putting an image with this post. Be dressed for work, eat breakfast and pack lunch, or spend time on an image? Sorry, dear readers. My margin won out. No image today.

Five Minute Friday: Backwards

Thanks for stopping by and joining in the Friday fun!

Gypsy Mama writes: I remember how powerful the written word is. To encourage, to laugh, to cheer, to pray, to listen, and love. Sometimes all it takes is five minutes.
Five minutes to just write, and not worry if it’s just right or not.
Kind of like how friendship should be.
Got five minutes? Here’s a great way to spend them, and here's the rules.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.

2. Link back to her site and invite others to join in.

3. Get a little crazy with encouragement for the five minuter who linked up before you.

So, let's write! Here is my offering today:

Five Minute Friday-Backwards

Self! Self!

My mom tells me that those were words that I used to use when I was a toddler, apparently loudly and often. She would grow frustrated sometimes, not surprisingly, at my insistence on doing everything myself, at the speed and quality of a 3 year old.

I am surprised she and dad never left me behind when they took all seven of us kids shopping.

Wait a minute, there was that time when they inadvertently left without me, they said....

Self! Self!

Why is it I am still crying out those words today as an adult? 

Why am I doing my life backwards, and wondering why plans don't come together the way I want?

Perhaps because when I pray, I talk, and talk, and talk, and ask, but often forget to LISTEN. I know that God is amazing, and if I will just slow down and LISTEN, he will guide me where he wants to take me. He has packed my luggage with incredible gifts, and he wants me to take an amazing journey, but I have to LISTEN to figure out the details.

Perhaps it is time to start moving forwards, in faith, rather than just by myself. After all, as Jeremiah 29:11 states:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  (NIV)

I just have to be patient and put my inner toddler into timeout while I take time to just breathe, let go and listen.

*End Time*

-Editorial Note: The beginning of the post is copied from a word doc that I keep handy. As it is just general background and information on Five Minute Fridays, especially for folks who are landing here for the first time, I don't count it in my five minutes...

If this message really hits you in your heart, I invite you to read these other related posts for inspiration:

Where are you and where are you supposed to be?
Sailing away from the Island of Settle
Where's my ticket, Lord, and whose luggage is this?

Failing, quitting and winning

As moms, we very often work so hard living up to unrealistic images of perfection from society, our families, our mothers and our own personal DNA. We buy into the culture of being a supermom, even if it just about kills us in the process.

There are many diktats you hear every day, but the most powerful ones run ruthlessly through your head and start like this:

I must…
I have to…
I promised…
I can’t just quit…
What would she/he/everyone think…

Can you feel the pressure build? Can you feel the stress taking hold of your body and stretching it until you feel like a rubber band ready to snap?

STOP.

Just. Stop.

When I was pregnant with our first daughter, we had a birthing coach who was very helpful, especially in terms of helping us understand there were certain expectations we needed to meet if we really wanted to be "good parents".

We should have a natural birth, ie, no drugs, no anesthetics.
We should feed our baby naturally, ie, no formula.

It all sounded great to us, after all, we wanted to be the best for our very first child.

Fast forward to the unexpected difficulties I experienced going into labor four weeks early, and to the pain I had not imagined, and the wrapping of my fingers so tightly around the metal bed frame that I was sure I bending it with my bare hands…

I cried uncle.
I quit being a good mom, and begged for drugs.

 Unfortunately, the doctors said I was too far along, and would have to do without the anesthetic. I did, and-whew!-was “saved” from my weakness. I would be able to hold my head high and proud, and say I did it. Yeah.

Fast forward again, to a week later, when we took our precious bundle home from the hospital. Yes, a whole week later. She was tiny and adorable, and had some minor health issues, including some difficulty with feeding.

Once out of the cocoon of the maternity ward, we realized our newborn was still not strong enough to breastfeed, so we created a Plan B. About every three hours a hungry Alexis would awaken. I would feed her the milk I had pumped, rock her, change her and get her back to sleep. Then I would pump for next time.

Whew. System created. Failure averted. Again. I even felt a little more awesome than before. Hoo-ah. Hand me that big glittery “S” so I can sew it on. One handed. ‘Cuz I am a stupendous mom.

As you can imagine, functioning on less than two hours of sleep at a time quickly began to fray my supercape and my patience. I soldiered on, though. What other choice did I have if I wanted to be the good parent?

This went on for maybe a couple of weeks, but only my husband saw the beginning of the cracks in my veneer as my tears started to seep through. I was holding my mask on as tightly as I could, but it wasn’t enough.

Keith’s mom called and invited Alexis and me over for a visit, saying that it would be good for us to get out of the house. We went, and I remember feeling so warmly welcomed as she ushered me into a rocker. She gently questioned how things were going, and before I knew it I dropped all pretense of holding it together, as I sobbed and poured out my story of being such a failure.

A failure because I didn’t want to keep pumping and feeding and not sleeping. A failure because I felt selfish. A failure because I felt I was letting my daughter down. A failure because all the other moms could do it so easily, and maybe I just wasn’t working at it hard enough.

If memory serves, I soon learned that my dear mother in law had switched to formula very early on with each of the children, and as she pointed out, they had all turned out just fine. She encouraged me to do what worked for us and for Alexis, and to ignore what anyone else thought, since they weren’t standing where we were.

That very day, I gave up the breastfeeding.

I. Quit.

Our dear daughter and my husband got their more, sort of normal me back. We all won.

I share this story with you as a reminder that you must do what works for you and your family.

For you. For your family. Not for the Smith’s down the street, or the Adams or the Taylors or anyone else. Sometimes you just have to draw your line in the sand, and refuse to go beyond it.

You just might have to quit to win. It will be ok. You will survive, and your life will be better for it.

Now, take that cape off and put it in the kids toybox where it belongs. You looked kind of silly in it anyway.

Have you quit something that is a bad fit for you and/or your family? Share with us what you did.

Five minute Friday-Every Day...

Today is Five Minute Friday, with a nod to The Gypsy Mama, and here what she has to say today:

That’s what we do around here on Fridays. We eat words. Straight up. Without second guessing, editing, or critisizing them. We simply savor all their deliciousness. For a full five minutes. You should try it. It’s a calorie-rich experience sans calories.

Wanna just write? Without wondering if it’s just right?

Indulge in five rich, delicious minutes of pure writing.
Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to dig in too.
And most importantly, go visit, read, and compliment the five minute chef who served something up right before you.
Easy peasy.

 So let's get to it!

Every Day...
If we are not careful, every day can just blend into another boring, meaningless twenty-four hours, but Friday…

Friday glides up to my morning window like a car hop from the old-fashioned drive-in, full of sunny smiles and holding a menu that offers mouth-watering goodness.

“Hello, ma’am. How would you like your day today?” she asks with a lilting voice. “Would you prefer a mug of sparkling frosty root beer with that soft foam on top that melts in your mouth, or would you prefer a triple scoop mega chocolate ice cream sundae with fudge sauce and whipped cream?”

Oooh. Tough choice.

However, no matter what I order, there are occasions that I don’t receive quite what I requested. Some days, my root beer is more flat than bubbly, and my ice cream tastes more like “too long in the freezer” than supremely decadent chocolate.

And actually, that is ok. It is those times where I am challenged to appreciate my day, when I don’t necessarily get what I asked for, that invite me to look for the blessings in my life.

It reminds me that with a shift in perspective, sometimes accompanied with a grinding of gears, I can see clearly...

That life is good.

Everyday.

Besides, the next time the waitress brings my sweet treat, I will be so very grateful, and savor each and every bit.  Mmmmmm….

A disclaimer: I broke the rules. I took more than 5 minutes. I edited. I ask forgiveness. And for chocolate.

What do I do that shows you I love you?

Have you ever experienced a point in your marriage where you get into an apocalyptic battle a civil discussion with your spouse about how you are being treated like a slave are not feeling appreciated?

How did that work for you? Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings and without any real resolution?

Some time ago my hubbie and I learned a better way to handle these situations, and it usually results in an amicable and interesting discussion, along with a deeper understanding of ourselves and an improvement in our relationship.

I offer it to you, dear readers, to use as well. It is a very simple question, and it is phrased like this: “What do I do that shows you I love you?”

This can be asked in a quiet moment, prefaced by something like “I’m curious. I’ve been thinking about the things that I do or could do that show you I love you, and I wonder if you could share with me something I do that shows you I love you.

Be prepared, ladies. Ask this question with no preconceptions about how your man will answer. He is probably not going to say that he feels extra, extra special when you nag him endlessly to take out the trash, and he may not answer with the ONE THING that you are sure makes his heart sing. This is NOT your cue to pounce on him like a tiger on wounded prey because he didn’t mention the hours you slave over his lunches/laundry/etc. The whole purpose of this is to get HIS point of view, what it is that really makes him feel respected and loved. (I mention respect, because with men that is usually inextricably tied to how deeply they feel loved. If there is a lack of respect, oftentimes it means they do not feel as important to you or as loved by you.)

He may need some time to think about this, especially if he feels that you really aren’t looking for his answer, if he believes he just needs to figure out the “right” answer. If he has felt ambushed in the past, he will be a very hesitant participant. After all, he has learned there is a very fine line between his beloved being happy as opposed to being a harpy.

Take the opportunity to share with him as well. Let him know something he does that shows you he loves you.  Remember ladies: it is what we pay attention to in our relationships that grows. Focus on the positive aspects of the incredibly special man that your husband is, and you will be delighted by the results.