Keep the faith

Keep the faith Wordle © K. Hall

When our children are babies, we are just so excited for that day when they can actually talk. That first spoken word: “mama”, “dada”, or even “no”,  just brings us so much joy!

Fast forward a few short years, and for the first time, we hear our beloved toddler repeat our words. Not necessarily the good ones. We wince, embarrassed for ourselves and our child. Yikes! Who knew they were actually listening?

Fast forward to the teen years, and many of us would prefer often times to have silence as opposed to the sometimes crabby or mumbled language that passes for conversation with our kids.

We wonder if they are paying attention to all the lessons we teach. We wonder if they are watching the respectful manner with which we treat others. We wonder if they are getting the message of anything good at all, and we despair sometimes at feeling successful as parents.

And then, it happens.

It’s sort of like those toddler moments, because they are repeating what they have heard from us, only this time in an absolutely delightful way.

They might comfort a friend using kind words that mimic ours, stand up for themselves using assertive phrases they learned from us, or use empowering language that you had no idea they knew how to use.

For instance, this morning our daughter (who hated school, by the way), was regaling me with a story of a playful conversational exchange she held with a older coworker who is a voracious reader, and her portion went something like this:

I am being enervated by the listlessly loquacious today, and find myself in a perpetual state of ennui.

Who knew she knew such wonderfully descriptive language, and where is my dictionary so I can be sure of what she said?

Keep the faith. I know I keep saying that, and some of you are so deep into the very difficult times that you can’t imagine having a conversation with your teen, let alone an enjoyable chat with them, not at them. They do hear you. They do listen. And watch. And they test, always checking the boundaries. Just continue to be there with them and for them, and your faith and efforts will pay off handsomely.

What language are you choosing to use today?

True Colors

Crayons © Gingerme from Flickr.com

 Many times, you will discover nuggets of very interesting truths in everyday conversations, especially with your children if you learn to listen closely.

Our daughter had attended an event for a college classmate recently and got to catch up with friends there. Some of them did not recognize her, as she had matured from the casual, unmotivated, student into a polished, slender, more purposeful young woman.

She called me the following morning, and talked about how much fun it was to share the vision for her new custom dressmaking business with her peers. We talked about how much she had changed in a couple of short years, and I commented that it wasn’t so much a change as it was the process of her growing into her real self, much like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly. Leslie agreed, and offered her own analogy of a snake shedding its skin. She added that when molting occurs, the colors of the skin transform from dull to rich, because the true colors become brightly visible. I know, it’s a strange analogy, a fashion debutante comparing herself to a snake, but that is a hallmark of her wonderful ability to think outside the box.

I think she was delighted to see these events in her life not so much as a change from “bad” teen/college student to good, but rather a peeling back of the layers to reveal her real self, to see the real treasure within. It was equally gratifying for me to see her recognize that she has always had talents and attributes that hold tremendous promise and possibility, which she did not always see or believe when she was a teen struggling to find herself and her place.

Inevitably, the words “true colors” in our conversation triggered the record player in my head, the needle dropped onto the 1980’s single by Cyndi Lauper, and I started singing along to Leslie:

I’ll see your true colors,
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you,
So don’t be afraid to let them show,
Your true colors,
Your true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

It wasn’t sung beautifully, but it was sung with lots and lots of love and shared laughter. This is just one of those moments that make all those difficult years so worthwhile.

Hang on, dear parents, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, and be the parent your kids need you to be as they make their way through the different and sometimes difficult stages of their lives. Listen well to them, as they have much to share.

Remember, too, that we each continue to grow into our true selves, that it is not just the children who are peeling back layers.

Where are you in your metamorphosis, and are your true colors shining brightly today?

I hope you dance

Many of you will be facing the bittersweet moment this month of watching your child head off to college. Your heart swells with pride at what a terrific young adult your baby has grown into, yet you are concerned about letting go, and letting them grow on their own.

I know. We have been there.

The first time we dropped our eldest off at college, I thought I was going to be just fine. I was so excited for her, and the plans she was making for herself. She was and is an independent thinker who is guided by a strong core of decency and knowing right from wrong. What could I possibly be, other than exceptionally proud?

Oh. I could be a blubbering mom. Just like those before me, and those who would follow.

I would get better over the years at saying goodbye, but as someone who can be brought to tears by the slightest hint of emotion in a TV commercial, it has always been a bit of a struggle for me.

We have been there twice, with both daughters. We have seen them off, not only to the start of their college careers, but also to side trips that had me stressing. There was the weeklong bare bones hike into the mountains with no soap or shampoo, and-gasp!-no electronics, that also required each participant to spend one night camping completely alone. (Quick-where is that paper bag I keep handy so that I can stop hyperventilating?) There was the trip we weren’t able to make to JFK airport, in NYC, to watch the plane whisk our daughter to Paris for her junior year abroad. That was tough. Especially the panicked phone call from her, hundreds of miles away, saying that she had left her backpack-her life, her passport-in the van when it dropped her at the airport. (She was reunited shortly with her pack, thankfully!)

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

The good news?

If you think your heart swells with pride and possibly constricts a little with concern at watching them leave home for the first time, just be patient, and watch them grow into adulthood. There is hope, for those of you who are in the midst of those “terrible, horrible, no good very bad” teen years. Much like the ordinary caterpillar who becomes a lovely butterfly, your child-who you may have joked about putting out in the yard with a “free to any home” sign-will transform into a really nice human being and a good friend.

Soldier on, my friends. Parenting is not an easy task, nor is it generally filled with gratitude from your teens. But the rewards are great. Grow them up, and let them go.

So what is the message here? I guess it would be to stay hopeful and loving, firm and fair, and remembering to look beyond the skirmishes of today to the rewards of tomorrow. "I Hope You Dance" is a song by Lee Ann Womack that my hubbie dedicated to our oldest daughter at the time of her graduation. It makes me teary eyed every time I hear it, as I think Lee Ann captures the message of love we desire to pass on to our children. A word to the wise: go get some tissues before you hit play, just in case...